My brother would have turned 3o today. If...
That's the thing about suicide: there are so many "ifs." And even more "whys."
Ultimately, "if" and "why" are useless... a waste of energy beyond teaching us how to face our future with more wisdom. Yet grief inevitably whispers those thoughts into our minds on occasion. Especially occasions like today.
When I turn my mind from "if" to reality, I hurt. But reality also lets in the deeper, sweet feelings of peace. I know Ryan is in a good place. I know that he's safe, free of his physical demons, and at a point where he can begin to move forward. There's no greater gift than the chance to start again. For an eternally merciful Savior and the blessings of the temple, I am grateful.*
Ryan, I miss you. I miss the mischievous glint in your eyes, your insight, your quick wit, and your tight hugs. I hope you know how very much you are loved. I can't wait to see you again when my journey here is complete. Happy birthday.
*The LDS doctrine on suicide is often misunderstood. For complete information on the subject, click here.
